you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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