so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
