I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
