Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
