I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
