do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
