I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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