never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
