Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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