I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
