Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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