I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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