Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
