You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
There are leaves in my underwear?
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