My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
