The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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