There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
