I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We were destined to go to rehab together
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
