I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
