Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
