Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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