I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
