so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Drake has all the answers
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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