I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
