Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
