I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
