Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
