Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
