I've blown a few things in my day
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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