Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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