Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
