grandma shit on top of the toilet
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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