The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
