I think I died a long time ago.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
