I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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