when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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