Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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