physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
