Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
