I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize