I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
