I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
