omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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