i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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