I got chris browned last night
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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