Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
