I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He's on the porch naked. Help.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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