Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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