Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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