I wanna bring you to show and tell
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I checked into jail on foursquare
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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