so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Drake has all the answers
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
