I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
